Lately, it feels like I am running on empty. Life has been heavy and work has been challenging. I struggle with teetering on the edge of guilt and gratefulness - knowing I should be giving thanks for the life I have and feeling guilt when I feel anything but.
2022 almost immediately started out with my transitioning into a new position at my job, which has been a wonderful financial blessing. This new job came at the perfect time, right when I needed to start saving for a wedding and future home. New job, new challenges. This is no surprise and everyone knows that changing roles is never easy, but it's been harder on my mental health than I expected.
Shortly after beginning my job (one week in to be exact), I contracted Covid and missed an entire week of work. February was a weird month. We had three snow days and I was stuck at home for over a week with an illness I thought I'd outrun! Besides the usual inconveniences of being sick, I was missing out on trainings at work that set me back a bit.
A month later, my cat Archie became noticeably ill and declined in health very rapidly. It was a heartbreaking few weeks. His illness was rare and incurable - I would have paid whatever it was to make him better, but there was nothing to be done. In the midst of this, I continued to work and take care of myself the best I could, but I ended up receiving some news from my doctor regarding some concerns on my recent bloodwork.
A week later, I had to say goodbye to Archie and it was probably the hardest day I've ever had. I still can't believe my rescue kitty is gone.
Every week and weekend I have had since that day has been full of busyness. But, in that busyness, I have experienced so many blessings and much happiness, including my bridal shower! Not to mention, the time I have spent with my fiancé Corey has felt so special to me. Nonetheless, as we near the end of April, I can't help but feel incredibly tired and emotionally burnt out.
I want so badly to let go of the negative energy that clouds my mind, but it feels like a weight that's too heavy to shove off. I think about how I am meant to give my burdens to Jesus and let him carry the load because I cannot. I haven't mastered how to do this. There's overwhelm, and sadness, and exhaustion, and worry that I can't seem to release. It's that kind of burnout that takes ahold of your physical health as well, leaving you completely drained.
All I know to do is to be right where I am and take life one minute at a time. Yes, one minute. Because even taking things one day at a time is too much right now. I can still say 'thank you' to Jesus because he is right here beside me feeling all the things I feel and offering to carry it for me. I just have to figure out how to unclench my fist from all the tension I hold! It's harder than it sounds.
I have so many things to look forward to this year as well - including marrying my best friend in all the land! I realize that all this difficulty is just life. And sometimes God is trying to speak to us through the heartache and pain, 'come to me' so that we might draw nearer to him, to deepen our relationship with the Father.
I'm grateful for His patience - He has an endless reservoir of it for me!
xx,
Kommentare