The purpose of my writing this is more a therapeutic practice than anything else. I don't have anything inspiring to say - at least not at the outset.
I'm a deeply emotional person. It's both a blessing and a fault at times. I have the ability to empathize with others, but I can also drown in feelings if I'm not careful. For a while now, I think, I've been existing in a place of what I'm going to call "coasting." I've detached my immediate-conscious self from my strong emotions and have begun to drift into cruise control where I don't address or question how I'm feeling. Not good.
It's felt easier, I guess. I haven't noticed that I'm doing this until recently when I finally had to question (aloud in the car to myself) why I was feeling so anxious and angry all the time. As much as I feel, it can be incredibly difficult to openly discuss and address - especially in a healthy way. Add on the fear of hurting someone else's feelings and possibility of being a burden, and you've got a recipe for disaster.
I am sure I will need to remind myself of this again and again, but I don't have to carry every feeling around with me like baggage. I can choose what needs to be addressed and attempt to set aside the rest. Even as I type this now, I know that if you told me this while I'm in the middle of an intense feeling, I would roll my eyes... But, allowing (because that IS what I am doing) all the feelings and thoughts to build up like a pressure cooker can only end in burnout. And that is exactly what I have been experiencing.
That burnout has led to feeling lost and incapable of knowing what to do in order to move on in a healthy way. Daily life with big-picture, major changes have (without my truly realizing it) caused me to coast - not acknowledging what I am going through in terms of emotional responses. In other words...it's exhausting being an empath and I've disconnected from myself.
My attempts to gain clarity lately have shown me how much I have been hiding even from myself. I have withdrawn and isolated myself - without even noticing that I am doing it. And that's the scary part. I always figured I would have the wherewithal to understand if I was drifting into an unhealthy place, and yet I did not see it coming. Feelings are sneaky. Emotions are complicated. The actions that follow these things can be dangerous for our wellbeing.
While I wish I could simply say: "X is what I am feeling. I am feeling X because of Y. And finally, Z would help in resolving Y so that I no longer feel X..." It's not that simple at all. If it were, I wouldn't be writing this as my personal form of therapy. Life is messy and confusing and addressing feelings of being adrift can be painful. As cliché as it sounds, the first step to healing is to acknowledge where you're hurting. So, this is me acknowledging feeling lost and the need for clarity.
xx
Hannah
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